batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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