i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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