Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
