i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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