I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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