That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
