By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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