I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
