I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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