Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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