I think I won the penis lottery.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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