when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize