So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
