remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
