My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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