omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
