Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
