Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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