So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
