Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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