Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
