my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
