just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
