Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
