Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
