I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
