I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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