I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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