I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
