if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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