How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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