It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
