I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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