i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
