Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
