i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize