Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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