Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
