well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
