I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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