I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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