I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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