I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
