So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
