walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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