Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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