UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
