Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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