Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
