im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
