My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I had to cum in my sink.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
