i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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