Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
