I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
