i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
