Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
