Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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