wanna go halves on a baby?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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