Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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