Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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