I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
