dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
