i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
